USM Chancellor to Propose Sale of UMCP to Duke University

USM Chancellor Kirwan
Reacts to Budget News

Willams to be retained

ADELPHI, Md. (April 1, 2011) In an unprecedented attempt at solving the budget woes of the University System of Maryland, Chancellor William E. Kirwan will today forward a recommendation to the University's Board of Regents that proposes the sale of the system's flagship institution to Duke University. Reached early this morning, Kirwan asserted, "The campus infrastructure has been taking on a lot of bilgewater lately that, frankly,  will begin to submerge the remaining institutions." 

Asked if there was any truth to rumors he had become tired with dealing with the important academic issues facing the institution such as hiring new coaching staff, Kirwan said, "I have been accused of being heavy-handed in the selection of key academic personnel such as Edsall. However, it was my attendance at the recent ACC Tournament, where I was confronted with continual taunting from Duke patrons of 'we own you!' that put the idea in my head. I thought, well hell, if that's what they want, why not just sell the damn place to them and solve several problems at once." 

There is some evidence that Kirwan's proposal could indeed solve a host of issues facing the institution, as well as the system as a whole. Recently, UMCP President Wallace Loh admitted to the College Park Rotary Club that hiring of the new football coach was his most challenging experience as chief academic officer. An admission that has been seen by some as an ominous harbinger for the future of UMCP.

Complete details of the plan were not available, but sources close to the Chancellor indicated that it looked like a "sweet deal."  For example, profits from the transaction would allow for Gary Williams to be carried on as a ball boy for the Duke basketball program. In a phone interview, Duke's Coach K (pronounced 'Krzyzewski') was quoted as saying, "Well... you know... there will always...ah....um... you know... be a... um.. place for someone... ah... of... you know...Gary's... ah.... um... you know... abilities." He then excused himself saying he was late for a lecture at an Athletic Department Elocution Symposium. 

Further details that are emerging but remain unsubstantiated are:

  • All representations of the mascot Testudo must be painted blue or removed.
  • Use of the name "Terrapins" must be changed to "Red-eared Sliders" and the Terrapin rally phrase must be changed to "Smell in a shell!"
  • Road signs between the Beltway and the campus must now appear as

  • Sergey Brin must disavow his association with the institution and the Google logo must be changed to remove the Maryland "Red" and include:         

Phone calls and emails to Executive Associate Vice-Chancellor of Communications and General Know-it-All Anne Moultrie have not been returned, causing some speculation that there may be considerable dissension among high ranking subordinates. In additions, attempts to reach the Chairman and Vice-chairman of the Board of Regents were unsuccessful. 

Contact: Anne Nachrichten Onymous
Phone: 301.666.1212
Email: A.N.Onymous@usmd.edu